We are in the dog days of summer now. It’s hot. So hot. And
hot in my neighborhood is a lot less fun than hot at the beach when there is a
breeze blowing off of the ocean. My kids are all in post-vacation recovery mode
and that basically equals a lot of grouchy moods and entitled little people.
And unfortunately, grouchy and entitled has probably defined me at times too.
I’m at that point in the summer where I am depressed that I’m no longer on
vacation, depressed that school is coming so quickly, and also depressed that
school is so far away. Does any of that make sense? No!
We thrive on structure and summer provides none of that, no
matter how hard I try. The flip side is that I do like to sleep and so I can’t
complain too much about my kids finally being old enough to appreciate the art
of sleeping in. But I also love the idea of getting them into routine and
sending them to someone else for five days a week. Sometimes that’s even better
than sleep. All of this extra sleep and lack of routine often ends up
translating to grumpy people.
In spite of our hard transition away from vacations and back
into the real world, I am still very grateful for the change of pace that I’ve
had over the last few weeks. I’ve had some moments of silence, and I must say,
that is quite a gift! When four little people live in your home, that’s
something that is hard to come by, and so I made the decision before we left
that I was going to intentionally turn some things off and just try to listen.
I bookmark all of the blogs about unplugging and being quiet and truly enjoying
time with your children, but actually doing it is something I stink at. But
last week I put some unimportant things aside, and it allowed me to breathe and
actually hear.
The last 9 months have been some of the hardest of my life.
And I don’t say that lightly. In a span of 18 months across late 2009-2011, I birthed
two babies, watched my toddler be diagnosed with a brain tumor, moved out of
one house and into another, had a husband who was writing a dissertation, and
dealt with a doctor’s office that made a clerical error which cost us thousands
of dollars (it’s a long story that was in appeals for over a year that we
ultimately decided not to pursue legally for various reasons). But I know
stress. We’ve had seasons of very intense stress. And now when I look back on
that time, I can see how God used it to force me into dependence. And his
faithfulness to us was so undeniable that it marked me. There are areas of my
life where I am a completely different person because of what I learned during
that season of my life.
And so I know, regardless of how stressed I feel, that God
is always in it. He’s always with us. I knew that, I felt that, I experienced
that in very tangible ways during some very hard days. So now when I’m in a
particularly difficult season, I am constantly looking for the nuggets of
wisdom that I need to glean from the roller coaster of emotions. More often
than not I’m in “just hang on and survive” mode, but every now and then I stop
and reflect and allow myself to learn something in the stress.
Last week I rested, I was still, I sat on the beach and
enjoyed the beauty of it, I took extra time to snuggle and kiss on my kids, I
held my husband’s hand a lot and smiled as he taught my kids “the art of
patience” while they waited on waves to carry them all the way to the shore.
But in my stillness, I was also able to reflect on some things that I needed to
remember. Namely, that God loves me.
I am loved.
That’s so simple and yet I needed to remember that. I really
needed that to pour over me like a refreshing shower. I needed to stop doing
for a minute – stop planning, packing, cooking, disciplining, cleaning, talking
– and just let that Truth wash over me.
I had a very specific thing on my mind that I was praying
about and it was creating all sorts of anxiety within me and then, just like
that, I had a moment of clarity. It hit me like the waves that were crashing
and consuming my children. And then it caused me to weep. I couldn’t even talk
to Josh about it without crying. So basic. But so beautiful, and so comforting. And I really. really. needed to be consumed by that.
God is for me. He loves me. I delight Him.
I can’t give out to foster children, biological children,
adults in our small group, children in our Sunday morning church class, my
friends, my spouse, or anyone else if I forget that. I can get so wrapped up in
the doing and in the trying to communicate a message to everyone else around me
that I forget to hear it myself.
My biological children are loved. Our foster children are
loved.
So am I. And so are you.
So if you are like me, I pray that this Truth will resonate new and fresh in your heart like I needed it to do in mine.
But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. -Psalm 86:15
