Good and Perfect: On alligators, life, and progress

A new friend with a background in science recently told me that alligators, when overstressed, will lie in a catatonic state. Some may mistake the alligator for dead, when in reality it is just overwhelmed by life. If they are handled too much (in other words, when TOO MUCH IS GOING ON) they lie still. They don’t eat or move.

You guys. I’m an alligator (except for the eating part, I do eat). My friend’s scientific knowledge helped me to understand myself in a whole new way. In fact, as soon as I had this epiphany, I sent Josh a text that said something along the lines of, “NOW I UNDERSTAND MYSELF. I’M AN ALLIGATOR.” He didn't share the same excitement about my new self-awareness.

Because perception is generally a reality, I often perceive life to be spinning all around me. The only way to keep myself from responding like the alligator and just lying completely still while the dishes, laundry, and children just stare at me is to make lists that help me to feel a sense of accomplishment. To-do lists allow me to see that I don’t actually have as much to do as I think I do. Rarely is my list as overwhelming on paper as it is in my mind. And can’t we all agree that there is something so cathartic about actually getting to mark something off of a to-do list?

My sister has such an obsession with to-do lists that if she does something that was not on her list, she will add it on to the list just so that she can mark it off. I find that a little bit weird, and yet at the same time I understand why it is so fulfilling to mark something off of a list: because we can see progress. It gives us a sense of accomplishment; it helps us to feel less overwhelmed.

This idea has been floating around in my head for quite some time and I recently shared it with my husband, but I’ve decided that if I could choose one word that I would want to describe my family, then I think I would want it to be progress. If we are forgiving more, snapping less, loving more, disobeying less, giving out more grace, and having less judgement, then we are winning.

It has been my parenting theme of late as I try to teach my children about grace while also helping them to understand the importance of moving forward: Yes, you messed up again, and yes, you are forgiven again. But you are making progress. You don’t make that mistake nearly as often as you used to. You are growing, you are changing, you are maturing. Progress.

The same is true in my own life. Weight-loss comes to mind when I think about progress. I have this thing where February hits and I think “crap, we are close to spring which means we are close to summer which means bathing suits. AHHHH.” Said “AHHHH” feeling generally leads to me committing myself to weight loss again. I work hard at it, have success, go through summer, and then around the time I start feeling pretty comfortable, pumpkin spice lattes, apple pies, sweaters, leggings, and every other holy and wonderful part of fall happens. And so does 10 pounds. And then it’s February again and I realize that, dang it, I’m right back where I was. So I have years of experience in losing weight. And I generally start with an end goal and beat myself up often for not-yet-achieving that goal that I’m looking to. But what happens when I’m only looking at the goal is that I fail to realize that along the way, I’ve made progress.

Josh and I recently celebrated 11 years of marriage and we were reflecting on how much life has happened since we were those two young kids who tied the knot. By the grace of God, our love is stronger, more whole, and more vibrant than it was back then, and it’s because we’ve made progress – in our ability to forgive, our ability to listen, our ability to understand the others’ love language, our ability to get over our selfishness for the sake of the other... Progress.

We are nearing the 6 month mark of having L with us, and some days I feel so overwhelmed by the lack of results that I become that alligator. The beginning of summer has been a new season for us. She moved into our home just a few days before the beginning of the semester, so structure and routine were what she got used to. Transitioning out of a very rigid day to day routine into a less scheduled, more freedom kind of thing has created a lot of stress and unknowns, which have led to some new challenges with her and more stress for me. It is easy at any given moment for me to look at where we are and forget that over the course of six months, we’ve made some progress.

Our family has been able to be a small part of baby steps that are happening in her life. She is a beautiful little girl who is often complimented on her physical beauty. It has been my mission to help her understand that her worth does not come from what she looks like, and that having outward beauty won’t get her very far if she isn’t kind to her friends or doesn’t obey the rules. Last week she put on a new outfit and was admiring herself in the mirror. When she started to give her token response of “I look beautiful,” she stopped herself and said, “our heart is what really makes us beautiful.” That, my friends, is progress.

So, this summer, our theme is going to be progress. Hopefully, if I lose my cool with my kids in August, I can look back and know that it happened less that week than it did that first week of June. If my kids are griping about something, hopefully I will still be able to see that over time, there has been a little less complaining and a little bit more contentment.