Earlier this week I shared part one of What Foster
Parents Want You to Know, so be sure to read that one first if you have not
already. Continuing on with that thought, I have three more things that I think
your fostering friends would want to communicate to you.
4.It’s hard
This is obvious, right? Bringing in a child from a
traumatized background is hard. Duh. I asked some people what they wish other
people knew about fostering and one lady replied, “That it is hard. Hard on them,
hard on us, hard on our other kids. Hard hard hard.” YES! And the “hard” might
be farther reaching than a lot of people realize.
Being a child in the foster care system is hard. Being
uprooted from your family and your normal is traumatic. Living with strangers
is not easy, no matter how safe you are. Being the different one in a family,
the one who is new and temporary, can do a lot to your sense of self-worth.
Hard, hard, hard.
Being a foster parent is hard. Having daily patience and
grace for a child that comes from a significantly different background than
yours is not easy. Knowing how to manage the needs of an abused or neglected
child can feel overwhelming. Finding the right balance of love and rules and
comfort and boundaries can prove extremely difficult. Feeling like you have
enough for everyone else in your life can easily become a struggle.
Being a biological child in a home with foster kids can be
weird and confusing. All of a sudden you have new dynamics that you aren’t used
to. There are new rules in place and you might not understand the purpose of
them. You have to abide by rules - and therefore suffer consequences when you
don’t follow them – because there is a new kid living with you who needs to
have these rules that were never here before. You go out with your family and
everyone – everyone! – now grins and oohs and aahs at this new person and
you’re not exactly sure why someone else came in and stole all of the
attention. You have to grow up more quickly than a lot of kids your age because
you learn about things that you didn’t know were out there in the world. It’s
hard.
Being patient and loving in marriage when you have a certain
level of stress in your house is hard. Trying to find the appropriate balance
for letting your biological kids know that they haven’t been trumped, your
foster child know that he is or she has value and is loved and safe and cared
for, and then communicating to your spouse that he or she is still the most
important in spite of these new dynamics is hard. Disrupting the normal is
hard. Carrying an emotional burden of information and stress can easily lead to
snippiness, miscommunication, and frustration. Learning to give your spouse
more than your leftovers is hard.
5.It’s worth it
The stress, the hard, the misunderstandings, the burden of
information, the questions that we can’t answer, the loving and letting go… all
of it is worth it. Every single person I’ve talked to said that they wish
people understood that foster parents aren’t numb to pain. Love and loss hurts
all of us. But we have decided that the pain of a child leaving is less than
the pain of them having nowhere to go.
A very wise friend of mine said it like this, “In the
beginning, I found myself often saying, ‘he is a person… he is so worth it…’
The ‘it’ being risk, discomfort, unknown, etc. But a couple of months in I
realized that we don’t do this because he is worth it, we do this because Jesus
is worth it. He asked us to and He is so worthy of our yes. Living in our yes
has given us some precious, precious moments!”
When God tells you to do something, no matter how hard it
is, it is always worth your yes. Being obedient to God is worth it. Providing
shade for someone who needs it is worth it. Love, loss, and a whole lot of
stress is worth it when you see a kid feel safe, when you watch a child grow
and learn their letter sounds because someone cares enough to teach them, when
you see the smile and joy of a child who was praised for doing something well.
It’s worth it.
6.The need is enormous and you can be a part
of it
I talked specifically about the need in my own county
earlier this month, but it’s worth mentioning again that the need is enormous.
There is a tremendous need to have more beds, more licensed families. If you
have ever thought about it, I urge you to ask questions and get more
information. The process is less daunting than a lot of people realize.
The need for more licensed homes is great, but the needs
within the homes that are licensed is also great. Not everyone is called to
respond in the way of being foster parents, but you can be a babysitter, or a
prayer support, a place of respite for a weekend, or a friend who is able to
chat when the parents need to relieve some stress. You can donate clothes to a
specific family or child or you can donate to ministries or organizations that
provide supplies for foster children. You can communicate to your fostering
friends that you are “for” them and that you know what they are doing is hard.
You can ask them what practical ways you can help.
This week I got an email from someone and she said “I feel burdened
to be a part of caring for orphans in some way so I want you to tell me what
night this month I can babysit for you.” When we are able to get away even for
dinner, we are able to get our priorities back in order, which makes things go
more smoothly in our home. When things are running as they should, we have more
energy and patience for our own kids and our foster kids. My friend who emailed
me is meeting the need in a way that she is able to right now. But to us, it
means more than she realizes. Her role is very significant to us.
Awareness is the beginning of making a dent in the problem
and our hope is that we can continue to communicate the needs of orphans and
vulnerable children and of those who are caring for them. We believe that Jesus
loves these children and all of their difficult parts in the same way that He
loves us.
“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” –
John 14:18