We finished out 2014 by opening our home to our second foster child, L, on New Year's Eve. She is only in half-day school so I am still working to try and find our new normal, but we have all enjoyed having her here.
We have a daughter and two boys so we certainly know the differences between the genders. A huge pet peeve of mine is when an adult says to my daughter something along the lines of, "poor Adri, with these wild and crazy little boys, what do you do?" It has definitely been insinuated to her (and us) that she is "good" because she doesn't run or get dirty. Moms of boys can agree with me that it's very frustrating to interact with people who connect physical energy to disobedience. No one has ever apologized to my boys for having a sister who can be bossy or brings emotional drama. We see in our home every single day that there are fun things and there are frustrating things about each gender. We learn it in marriage as much as in parenting. We love girls. I love having a daughter. And we love boys. Two boys so close in age has been so much fun for me as a mom who grew up with two sisters.
That said, we've gotten a whole lot of, "so is it easier having a girl this time?," which is mostly referring to boy energy and having had 3x that when J was here. In some ways, I would say yes. Having two of each has definitely kind of balanced things out in the evenings and on weekends. It's not all rough and tough play all the time.
But the greatest difference for us has been that L has been in foster care for quite sometime. J was new into care, had all kinds of change over a 3-4 week period, and had lots of questions about all of that. His whole time with us was very "rule" heavy and it had to be. The only way to have order was to have lots of rules and structure and leave nothing open-ended. That aspect is completely different with L. She has had a whole lot of rules and structure. We aren't having to teach her any of the things we were teaching before and the only behavior issues we've had at all are general kid things like being kind to each other.
What she really needs is love and attention. She is naturally wanting to attach to something, someone. She is the tiniest cutest thing so giving hugs and kisses is very easy. The struggle has more to do with helping her to see that we are here, we will love on her, we will provide for her, and we will protect her, but that there are 3 other children in the home that we also have to do that for.
This time, much more than last, our kids have had kind of a reaction like a new baby has just come home. They love her and think she's cute and fun and has an adorable giggle, but might not love all the attention she is getting (from inside and outside of our home) because that means less for them. Some of that has to do with the timing of finishing up Christmas break, having lots of rainy days in a row, and acclimating back into routine after extended time without one.
Finding our new routine has been the greatest struggle. J thrived on structure. He left for school at 6:30 every morning and stayed at the after school program every afternoon because he needed that stability of every single day being the same. So, other than Josh and Adri having an added person on their trip to school, the better part of everyone's M-F looked the same when he was here as it did before (and after). We all had that sense of normal that got to remain which helped with the transition. That is different with L because she is only in half day school so she is with me and the boys during the morning whether that's at home, the gym, bible study, or MOPS. Then she goes to school and is in Cooper's class. So the routine that the boys and I had before looks a lot different now.
My boys are 18 months apart and she is in between them, so that's a lot of little people that need their shoes tied, their drinks poured, their car seats buckled, etc. It also makes it harder to give that special attention she is seeking because when I'm home I have two other young children that need that from me as well. As it was with J, I would say that the hardest part of being a foster parent is not meeting the needs of that child but rather doing that within the context of parenting your own children. Figuring out how to balance loving on this kid that has had a lot of trauma while not becoming a detached mommy to my own continues to be a struggle. I pray for strength and grace often.
Although in general I think a lot more people would consider her "easy," the adjustment has been hard this time because of a greater difference in our family's "normal" and because adjusting after Christmas break is rough whether you add a new person or not.
Two years ago I trained and ran my first (and only) half-marathon. There were days where my running looked more like a painful crawl, and there were days when I would hit a stride that felt so good that I (falsely) believed I could go 10 more miles. Some days it felt good and some days it didn't. A lot of days it didn't. But when it was all said and done, I had run a half marathon. I still have a medal to show for it. A lot of painful steps eventually ended with a prize.
Being a foster parent is hard. It's hard when it's a big active 6 year-old boy who has not had a lot of consistency or rules and it's hard when it's the most adorable little 4 year-old girl who has the cutest grin you've ever seen. It's not less hard, it's just different hard. Right now we are in the painful crawl phase, but we know that eventually we will hit that comfortable stride and hopefully be able to look back and see that we learned something while we kept moving. And the scenery on the path is a sweet little face and that makes it all worth it.