The last two weeks around here have been pretty normal. Josh and I took advantage of some
opportunities to be pretty lazy over the Thanksgiving weekend. We enjoyed a lot of great family time with
the five of us as well as extended family. After the holiday break we slipped
right back into the normal routine of school and dance and sports and all of
our regular activities. But normal feels a lot different now than it did in
September.
A lot of people have asked how we are doing and how the kids
have felt. Our kids have done well, and we are being reminded that often times,
children are more resilient than adults. The timing of J leaving right before
Thanksgiving turned out to be good for our kids because my sister and her kids
came in town the next day and there immediately was a distraction. They had
several days of cousin play and had a fun weekend. They talked about him a
little bit but not nearly as much as we expected. It was actually last week
when they talked more, as we got back into routine and it was more noticeable that
there was a person missing.
Adri showed the most emotion on the day he left, because she
had the greatest understanding of the finality of it. She was very sweet to him
as they said goodbye but she has said very little since then. Any questions she
has had have to do more with when we will bring in another child and what
age/gender the next one might be.
Cooper teared up when we told them all that J was leaving,
but because J was acting a little bit silly (coping, not sure how to respond),
Cooper just followed his lead. He didn’t show a lot of emotion when he left but
the next day he was obviously sad even though he didn’t say that to us. He didn’t
say a word about it over the Thanksgiving break but on the Monday after as we
were driving home from school and talking about his day, he told me that the
worst part of his day was when he went to recess and remembered that J wouldn’t
be out there. He hasn’t said a whole lot, but when he does, it’s always about
him being sad. Last week he drew a picture of the 5 of us and then J was
standing to the side, being sad that he wasn’t here anymore.
Emory talks about him the most. He says often to people that
J is not with us anymore. He calls the empty bedroom J’s room and will ask if
he can tell him about something cool he did “the next time we go see him at
that building (DSS).” He still will accidentally ask when we are going to go
pick up Adri, J, and Cooper, and I have to remind him that it’s just Adri and
Cooper.
Josh and I are okay. We were really sad for a couple of
days. I cried so much that Monday and Tuesday, but I am the more emotional one
and that was not surprising. Josh is generally stoic but he definitely felt sad
to see him go. It felt a lot more quiet the next day, but we appreciated being
able to let our guards down a little bit and enjoy some sweet time with our
kids over Thanksgiving. For the most part, I’ve had peace. I know he went to a
good situation. I know he is happy to be with his family.
Since my daughter’s brain tumor diagnosis, I have not been
consumed with fear. Of course I feel anxious before an MRI or EEG or when she
does a pattern of “weird” things, but even in the early days after her tumor
resection, I didn’t feel fearful of all of the very real “what ifs” that were
out there. I’ve often told people that I know that peace can only be attributed
to God because I am a worrier by nature and when you live through something so
terrifying it would be really easy to always live in fear. But with her health
it was almost like God supernaturally lifted that fearful part of me and gave
me a peace that I could just trust Him.
My feelings in the aftermath of our first foster placement
are much the same way. Life has gone on. It’s a little quieter, it’s a little
less structured, but it feels pretty routine. I’ve thought about him a lot, but
I haven’t been consumed with worry or “what ifs.” I haven’t wallowed in the
sadness or the loss. I haven’t wondered a lot about whether the next kid would
be easier or harder or would bond with our kids as well as J did. And in a
weird way, this peace I’ve had has made me feel even more affirmed that this
call to foster care - to look out after orphans, to be a temporary mom, to be a
refuge during some difficult circumstances - is from God. My natural tendency
would not be to have peace. I do not handle loss in relationships well, even when
“loss” means that a friend is moving to the other side of town. I don’t handle
change in general very well. But in this case, it’s been okay. And similar to
Adri’s health, it’s almost as if the Holy Spirit has just come and taken the
worry and doubt and emotions away and replaced them with peace.
So where we are now is just trying to enjoy the little
moments with our kids during a really busy season. We are allowing ourselves a
bit of a respite and a chance to catch our breath (as much as you are able to
do that in the month of December). We are more aware than ever that our most
important ministry is to our own children so we want to be very aware and in
tune to their needs and the space that they need before we jump back in. But we
feel motivated and ready to do this again, even as hard as it was. Our hearts
have grown so much and our perspective on life and family and “stuff” is just
different now.
I feel like I’ve been given a gift through this experience. God
is healing our hearts and showing us more of His. The lens that I view the
world through is not the same as it was before. And in this season that can be
all about excess, it’s good to have that fresh view.