So about that whole birth order thing – when we were asked
to take a 6 year-old, we thought it was best-case scenario because we wouldn’t
take away Adri’s role as first-born, we would have the advantages of putting
the child in school with Josh, and the boys “wouldn’t care either way.”
Wrong.
When we found out we were getting an older boy, my boys were
so excited. Cooper loved the idea of a big brother and someone to play with and
we knew that we had a very “boy friendly” home and thought that would be great
for a new kid. All of those things are true, but something I didn’t think about
(okay, let’s face it, there have been a billion things so far that I “didn’t
think about”) was that even though Cooper isn’t the oldest kid in our family,
he is the oldest boy.
When you are the oldest boy and your sister is more
theatrical than athletic, you win all the games and excel in all the sports and
are generally regarded as the toughest kid in the house. But when you bring in
a kid that is one year and one day older, but a whole lot bigger, you don’t win
all the games anymore and you aren’t the most athletic kid. In addition, the
new kid is used to being a big brother and he feels a little more like a big
brother to the youngest in the house, and for that reason he really favored
Emory from the beginning.
Cooper is definitely my most emotional kid and he had
several reactions the first couple of weeks that didn’t match the event that he
was upset about. I knew that was part of his adjustment to having a new kid at
home. The thing that makes it difficult is that he can be upset about
something, or I can see his eyes teary about something, but when I ask him
what’s going on he says “nothing.” I will even ask, “then why are you crying?,”
and he will say “I’m not. The sun is in my eyes.” We have tried and tried to
break through that but he just isn’t a big talker and that can be so
frustrating as a parent. I can talk to him
but back and forth conversations about feelings just don’t happen. Welcome to
the world of boys, huh?
Even though he never said anything to me, I got insight into
how he was feeling when we were with friends one day and they asked about the
new person in his house and he said “yeah, but he won’t be with us forever.” He
had never said anything like that at home but I knew that was his way of saying
that he didn’t like everything about him being with us. Turns out it’s not fun
to be the little brother when there is a bigger boy that beats you at stuff.
The physical aspect has made Cooper feel inferior at times,
but the educational aspect has given him a lot of confidence. J has a lot of
delays, which can be expected. He has had a lot of change in kindergarten alone
and we know very little about what was going on before then. Cooper is in 4K
and has been read to since the day he was born. Going to his dad’s school this
year has given him a new interest in learning and he has done great this year.
Cooper has actually become a lot more confident in things he is learning now
that there is a bigger kid in the house that doesn’t know all of the stuff he
knows. Adri has always been the “smart one,” but now he feels smart.
Fortunately we haven’t seen the reverse reaction from J. There is a
competitiveness that is healthy. He doesn’t seem to get discouraged, but he
wants to be able to read the words and write the letters that Cooper writes.
It’s been good for both of them.
Part of Coop being the emotional kid is that he is also the
most outwardly loving. He is a cuddler and a words person which is awesome as a
mommy. He gives hugs and tells me I’m beautiful and the best mommy in the world
almost every day. He did that to J from day one. He told him he loved him and
gave him hugs and wanted to sit beside him in the car and at dinner. J had to
adjust to that because at times it was overwhelming but with time that has
changed. It’s sweet because J almost smirks but just lets Cooper do it now. He
doesn’t fully embrace it, but he takes the hugs without an “eww, eww, eww” now.
Just like with Adri, time has improved their relationship a
lot. It took a couple of weeks but I think Cooper stopped being a bit annoying
and overwhelming and Cooper learned that it was fun to have a big kid to play
ball with. The two of them are probably the most bonded at this point. J told
Josh a few nights ago that Cooper was his best friend. They have just begun
playing flag football together which is sweet and a lot of fun for them. This
weekend I found them some matching sweatshirts at Goodwill that I bought on a
whim because they were hoodies of my dad’s alma mater and they absolutely loved
being “twins.” One morning when Cooper was up first I told him to go in J’s
room and wake him up. Ever since then, J has requested that Cooper be the one
that wake him up in the mornings. Maybe it’s because the way Josh and I do it is
annoying, but I think it’s because he is his favorite in the house now. They
have established a really sweet friendship. It can be loud and rough and really
dirty at times – after all, they are 5 & 6, but it is sweet. Since their
birthdays are a day apart, they have already starting planning their next
birthday party. I was recently trying to gently remind Cooper that J would not
be here forever and when I asked him how he likes having him with us he said “good.”
When I asked how he would feel when he leaves, he teared up and said “sad, but
he won’t be leaving soon because he said we could have our birthday together.”
My favorite moment between the two of them thus far was one
afternoon when they were playing the Wii and J won and was really gloating
about it. I came in and told them that I wanted them to play nicely and not be
a bragger. He asked what that meant so as I started to explain, Cooper said,
“remember what we talked about at church today?” and went on to explain
something that had happened during the skit in big group. J was like “oh yeah
yeah, it’s like…” and went on to tell me what it meant in the way he understood
it (which was pretty close). I love that they are in the same church class and
could share that little moment where they worked through that.
Cooper has had to make adjustments, and when I saw him
holding in emotions, it was so hard for me to watch. But I know that this is
for his good too and I’m so glad that the two of them have learned how to
really have fun together. Their friendship has been good for each other and it has
been good for my mommy heart.
