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Saying goodbye

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Today we had to say goodbye. It was the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say, and yet this is exactly what we signed up for when we decided to be foster parents, and specifically when we agreed to have J placed here. It's not easy. It is hard to love and treat a kid like he is your own and then have to send him off. But it's not about us, and ultimately we decided we were willing to ride the emotional roller coaster for the betterment of kids who need stability during a really unstable time in their lives. And that's what he had. 7.5 weeks of stability, which is a whole lot longer than anything he had experienced in the months leading up to coming to live with us. For a short time he got to be encouraged and corrected and loved in a way that was safe. He was fed and clothed and tutored and given lots of time to play. He was hugged and kissed and read to and prayed for over and over and over. He was comforted when he had nightmares. And he was loved with all our hearts had. 

I have cried many tears and there are many more to be shed but my life has been changed and I know that I know that I know that this was the right thing. It wouldn't be hard if we weren't loving him well. Saying yes to foster care doesn't mean that we are specially designed to handle this better than anyone else; it is every bit as hard as you would imagine it to be. But through my ugly cries and the tears of my children, I still know that this is good. The pain of loving a child is worth it. Because the alternative is that foster kids aren't loved on and aren't treated like family and are just tossed around by apathetic or negligent or abusive people and they never get to see love and sibling relationships and healthy marriages and male role models and compassion and empathy and comfort. 

J has shown tremendous improvement academically and socially. He has learned some basic hygiene rules that he didn't know before. He has heard Scripture, he has been prayed with, and he has gotten an abundance of hugs. These last weeks have stretched me in so many ways but have changed me for the better and will forever be marked on my heart. I pray the same is true for him.

And even if it didn't make a forever impression it would be okay, because we were obedient. And I have trust in El Roi, the God who sees. I find hope in One who sees this precious kid that has touched our hearts. I know One that loves him more than I do. I know that a good and loving God sees him and that he is not a number or a statistic to Him. 

The permanency plan for J is good and one we are excited about for him. We are not worried for him or scared about what comes next. We are just sad for us and are grieving that someone we love isn't staying here anymore. 

A part of my heart left our home this morning not knowing he wouldn't stay here again. I didn't know it either. It was painful, so painful, to take him back to that same building I picked him up from when we first met. My family of five feels strangely small tonight. But we are so much better than we were two months ago. Foster care is a crazy messed up beautiful thing and I am glad we can be a part of it. We will heal and then we will do it all over again. Because God loves orphans. And there is another kid out there who deserves to know and feel that. 
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