A few days ago I wrote about the reality of some of the low moments of being a foster parent. I felt
like it was important to share those because it’s real life. I had several
conversations this week with people who are currently in similar situations or
have been in the past and there definitely is a comfort in knowing that other
people get it. We’ve each had kids of different ages and backgrounds with
different struggles but the thing that unites us is that we keep going in spite
of the lows because we have a glimpse of the bigger picture.
I feel blessed that in just three weeks, we already have a
handful of moments that give us all the confidence we need that there is a
beautiful forest to be seen when we step away from the big trees.
J is only six years-old but it was clear on day one that he
is more street-wise than many adults that I know and interact with daily. There
are stories he has told me in laughter that are not funny at all. There are
words and phrases he will use that are just heart-breaking to hear from a child
that age. He has been exposed to so many of the things I want to protect my own
children from. So when I get to see him just be a little boy, it brings a sweet
joy that is hard to describe. We had an event at school the other evening and
he was riding on swings and there was a look on his face that reminded me of my
daughter’s first time walking into Disney World. You could see a childlike
wonder in his expression; he was almost trying to hide the big cheesy grin. And
I stood there, just one day after I had felt really worn down, and I realized
that he is receiving a good gift. The gift of being a child and having the
safety of boundaries and structure and being allowed to have fun within those
is something he deserves.
The first weekend he was with us, he ran off from me in a
store and then made it very difficult for me to get him back to the car. We sat
in silence most of the way home and as I neared the house I told him that Josh
and I were going to talk with him when we got home. He wailed and wailed. And
when we got in his room he literally trembled in fear. He was terrified that we
were going to hit him. We promised that he was safe and that we were not going
to hurt him, but that we needed him to understand our rules and the reasons
behind them. We’ve worked a lot on our rules and have them posted on a wall and
discuss them often, but even after just a few weeks, you can see that he feels safe.
He still makes mistakes that we have to address but he doesn’t respond as a
child who is terrified. And he is so proud of himself when he does well. It
makes him feel confident when he gets a gold star for behavior at school. He
reminds us often of how long he has gone without receiving a “strike” against
him (it’s part of a reward system we are using). Loving discipline is a gift
that he has not had.
J tells us he loves us now. The first time he said it left
me in tears. We got a call from his caseworker after the school day had started
that an appointment had been scheduled for him and she would need to pick him
up from school and take him to the appointment. We had not prepared him
beforehand and I was worried about how he would react if he was just sitting in
class and then got pulled out and driven somewhere new. There are many benefits
of him being able to go to school where Josh is principal and on this day I
asked Josh to pull him out of class and let me tell him about his appointment
on the phone. We had been working hard on trust and I was afraid if he got
blindsided by something he wouldn’t feel like he could trust us. I also wanted
to make sure that when she drove him away that he didn’t have to feel scared
about where he would be going. So Josh pulled him from class and had him call
me.
Me: “Hey buddy, you having a good day?”
J: “Yes”
Me: “Well, hey, I wanted to tell you something. Do you remember Ms L
(caseworker)?”
J: (silence)
Me: “Do you remember her?”
J: (voice shaking) “Yes”
Me: “Well I didn’t know this earlier when you left for school, but she needs to
come pick you up today and take you to an appointment. She will get you out of
class and take you there but then she will bring you back and you’ll still go
to the after-school program like every other day. Cooper and Adri will be there
with you and I am still coming to pick you up like we talked about this
morning.”
J: (with tears) “Yay! I LOVE YOU!”
So of course I cried. He was so excited to hear that he
would be going back to the same place. Prior to coming to us, he had moved
around a lot. That afternoon he was in the sweetest, most loving mood. It was
such a good day for him and he went to bed giving hugs and “I love yous” all
around. Stability is not something he has had much of lately. It truly made his day to
find out he was going home to the same place. And it really wasn’t because of
us. He had not been with us long enough at that point to feel a real bond, it
was just that we were the same and it wasn’t going to mean another move and a
new adjustment. These are the moments when you realize how much in life you
take for granted. I shared this in another post, but that afternoon his
caseworker told us that when he was asked at his appointment what he wanted to
be when he grew up, he answered that he wanted to be married. He had already seen
enough of marriage to know that’s something he wants. It’s these little glimpses
that make us realize that despite my many breakdowns, being here is making an
impact on his life in ways we never even considered.
When we deal with kid conflict around here, we make offender
child say “I’m sorry” to the offended and then offended has to say “I forgive
you.” They have to look each other in the eye and they have to hug afterwards.
Anytime I have told J that I forgive him for something he has said “ewww.” I’m
not really sure what he thought that meant before, but we’ve talked a lot about
it and can see that he is catching on. Earlier this week Cooper had to
apologize to J for something, and without any prompting from us he put his arm
around Cooper and said, “it’s okay, bro. I forgive you.” And he meant it. They
continued playing with smiles and giggles. Two weeks ago he thought that word
was gross.
We already know and see and feel
that he loves us. He often says I love you but perhaps the words that are more
meaningful are when he says “I will protect you forever and I will never let
anyone hurt you.” My kids don’t say things like that to me because they haven’t
lived a life where those words would carry a lot of weight. But J has. And
when he tells me and my kids that he will always protect us, I know exactly
what he means. There is absolutely no price or amount of stress of fatigue of
frustration that outweighs the gift we receive in those moments.
J is still scared of a lot. Some of these fears he expresses
and some he doesn’t. Just yesterday he sobbed as he asked me a lot of hard
questions that I didn’t know the answer to. He is scared that he won’t see his
family again. He is scared that his sister is not safe. But he is not scared of
us anymore. The first week we laughed at how often he said “ewwwww” when I
kissed my kids on the head or my husband on the way out the door. He regularly said how disgusting we were. Tonight just before bed he came downstairs to
show me a new word he has learned how to spell. He was so proud. After he gave
us high fives, he asked Josh to carry him to bed. When Josh picked him up, J
gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and got carried up the steps with a big proud
grin on his face.
There is a bigger picture to be seen beyond these roller
coaster days I’m living. And it is so beautiful.
