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We had our home study one month ago today and have been anxiously awaiting a phone call to hear that we have received our fostering license. In the meantime, I have been talking with other foster parents and reading like crazy. I've compared it before to being pregnant - where you can fill your head with as much knowledge as possible but that only goes so far in preparing you for real life. We have talked a lot, read a lot, prayed a lot, and now we just wait. The conversations with our children have been so sweet and funny. Last week Cooper told me that if "the kid" speaks Japanese then that will be okay since he can too. I was unaware that he speaks Japanese, but apparently he can count to three and therefore feels like that is all he needs. I think we are going to be okay, as I assume it's unlikely that we will get a child who speaks Japanese. These moments of comic relief have been fun as we watch our children try to process through what this is all about. They ask questions - often - because the room is just there, and waiting, and they know that "any day now" we could have someone else staying with us.
As I watch them process through this, I pray often for their little minds. It's an interesting balance, that I'm not sure I've struck, with wanting to protect them while also wanting to expose them. I'm definitely a mama bear. I want to protect my kids. I don't want them to know the evil that is in the world. And at the same time, I want them to have compassionate hearts. I don't want them to be sheltered to the point that makes them unaware of reality. I want them to see what it means to live out the gospel. I want them to know and feel and experience that "doing the right thing" isn't always easy or comfortable, and that quite frankly, easy and comfortable isn't really something we need to strive for.
My emotions have been up and down, but that's kind of my normal, if I'm being honest. I swing from excitement to scared to emotional. One day I even broke down in tears as I was listening to music during a workout. Just the reality of orphans in my city who literally have no willing or able family who can take them in is heart-wrenching. It was obviously embarrassing to be the weirdo who was crying on the eliptical machine, but it was just a moment where the gravity of the situation that we are about to enter into hit me and I couldn't control my response. I definitely have the days where I'm real emotional about all of this, but most days it's just more matter-of-fact. In fact, one of the books I was reading had quotes from lots of different people who have given time or money for the sake of orphaned children and one lady was explaining that so many people around her were talking about feeling called to do this, or praising people who were "called" to this, and that for her, it was pretty simple - the need is the call. That really resonates with me and is kind of our approach in this.
Even as simply put as there being a need that we can meet, I definitely have fears, most of which have exposed my selfishness. I worry about the loss of convenience. This weekend our kids woke up earlier than we wanted them to, so we told them to go play so we could sleep longer. We went to a football game on Saturday and didn't have to make plans of where the diaper changes would happen or when we would sneak in a nap. Three years ago I thought this day was a million years away. Yes, our children our young, but things are getting a lot easier and I'd be lying if there wasn't a little part of my soul that is like whhhhhhy can't you just be content and not want to go save the world. But as soon as I start to think that way, I hear 1 John 3:17 in my mind:
If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion--how can God's love be in that person?
So we wait for this thing to happen, for this first child to be placed in our home. But while we wait, life goes on. The kids started back to school, Adri started back to dance, the boys will begin soccer again next week, and today we celebrated Cooper's 5th birthday! Last night we hosted our first community group at church and this week and next, some other things that I am involved with will start back up. I love summer but I really thrive off of routine and we are figuring out what that looks like for us in this new school year. We are all 5 excited to have another person be a part of that routine with us in the near future.